WanNna KnoW a SeCret?

After a LoOoOong Hiatus

Fri, 25 May 2007 08:21:35 GMT

Hi y'all!

So, after a million years, I finally decided to post another entry onto my blog... Hang in here with me, people, I got limited computer and internet privileges :(

I'd like to give the world's biggest shout-out to ANGELI VILLARAZA!! She provided me with my totally awesome lay-out featuring the oh-so-delectable Chace Crawford! THANK YOU LI!!

Did I mention how totally in love with Chace Crawford I am? I know, I know, I've posted about 5 or 6 hotties on this site, but I'm not obsessed with guys okay? And you have to gimme a break! Chace Crawford is FINE! *talk about NOT being obsessed*

Also, I'd like to update you guys on the happenings of my life this summer. The only big thing about it is I decided to enroll in TaeKwon-Do and I find it so fun! *I get to kick butt!* Hehe! It's a really fun summer activity, and I do wish to continue it into the school year.

Things have been pretty mellow for me this summer, not too full of my usual whining and complaining about this and that :) I guess if you want to look deeper into my psyche, you could say that I may have matured considerably in the last year. That I can say I'm proud of. Or at least I think I can.

Hmm.. what else to talk about? Umm... That's about it actually. I'm feeling good right now, not so melodramatic about stuff. *cheers for me* And in case you were worrying about me *yuck! Feeling important!* I'm really doing fabulous :) I'm happy with where I am right now. Although I still can't decide what course to take in college :( Anyone wanna clue me in?

*sigh*

Well, I think that's about it (for real now). I may not be able to post again in the near future, so if anyone needs to find me, I'm holed up in my room writing verses, or practicing my kicks at the dojang :)

Hope you guys are doing great! *School's almost in!* Later!

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 11:42:58 GMT

TYLER SIMS!!! CHACE CRAWFORD!! man, this guy is hot. .

Death scares me sick. .

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 13:06:08 GMT

Lately I've been having really strange dreams. Sure, I've had my share of childish nightmares, but these dreams are far from those. You see, I've been dreaming a lot about dying. And the person who dies is me. I can't figure it out. The dreams are way too real and way too believable. I don't like it. No, scratch that. I HATE IT! Everywhere I go I see these creepy deja vu things of scenes where I die. I don't like this at all.

What's Up?

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 09:55:06 GMT

Well, first of all, I'd like to congratulate myself for getting off my lazy butt and actually updating here, so YAY TO ME!

This Christmas Break (if you can call it one) was a really confusing one for me. I couldn't quite make up my mind or interpret what people were doing about me. This confusion has two faces: Friends and Heart =s

Friends:
Are they trying to leave me out of something?? They plan all these trips to the mall and I never once heard of it. Is it because I have play practices and they think I can't come? Okay, so maybe I'm more likely not able to come, but a little text message invitation would really help me. Do i have the right to wonder, or am I just really really paranoid? I mean, I love my friends to death and I would never plan anything behind their back (except a surprise birthday thing). I just want to know if that's how they feel for me too. I wonder if I ever was important to them. I wonder if they ever felt like I was special. I hope so. If they don't, well. . . I guess it's okay, I'd still be their friend anytime.

Heart:
I keep missing someone. I don't think I should. I mean, I've never been close to this person before. And anyway, he's involved with someone else now, so he's really off-limits. Besides, aside from touching my arm and my hair, we never spent that many close moments. What is this??

Class starts back tomorrow. It's 2007. I hope this year gets better. I'd love to hear from all of you. Love yah!

I Feel Empty

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 13:27:15 GMT

I hate the person I've become. I don't understand. They say I'm dry. "Wala kay lami kauban!" That doesn't sound very good, does it? Imagine hearing that from someone you badly want to impress. I don't know what more they want from me. I've given them nothing but A's in my report cards, and I've never been blamed of serious offenses in my life. Where did I lack? What did I forget to do? What more could I have done to earn their love and appreciation? Just because I wasn't as good as some doesn't mean I'm totally worthless, you know. IT HURTS. I can never be good enough for them. Ever had that feeling?

I'm a dry person. I'm arte, maldita. I have no respect for others. I'm the worst person in the world. I can never change.

How can I hope to improve myself when everyday I'm reminded of what an IMPERFECT person I am? How can I be proud of myself when all I hear are insults, angry whispers, and embarrassing public humiliation? I don't know how!

maybe it's better if i just stay like this: hollow, unfeeling, cold, numb. . . Maybe then they'd leave me alone. Maybe then they'd realize what they're doing to me. Maybe then they can see how empty I've become.

You think I'm smiling?

Look into my eyes. .

Are there smiles in there somewhere?

Call me if you see any. .

I'm Stupid

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 13:06:19 GMT

This is gonna be a short one, so exhale you guys. I just want to stop by and say, once again, that I am one stupid girl. . Why me? i wish i was better than that. .

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 13:24:23 GMT

People of LJ, friends, random readers, everyone! Congratulate me once again! For the nth time this year, I don't know what the hell is happening to me. Let's make a script, shall we?
You Guys: What is it this time? Doesn't she get tired of all the drama she gets herself into??
Me: I wish LIFE would get tired of this joke it's playing on me. *sigh*
YG: Okay, what is it no? C'mon, spill.
M: Okay, here goes.

You see, I have this little, itty-bitty, teeny-weeny, micro-mini problem. Could you guys take a peek at my user pic for a sec? Can you see it? What does it say?

YG: "I FALL IN LOVE TOO EASILY" hmM. . interesting. .
M: Let me explain.

next time. .

What's Going On?

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 13:31:24 GMT

What do you call the emotion when you're all mixed up and can't explain what in the world you're feeling? Is there even a name for it? I guess not. I'm going mildly out of my mind. Note the word mildly. I'm not melting under insanity, okay. I'm just slowly getting there. I just dont get stuff. My head hurts just thinking about all the things I don't get. I'm getting weirder everyday. Anyone want to join me?

Continued

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 12:22:41 GMT

Okay, here's the continunation.. . *ehem*

So, yah, I thought he was really cute, and I developed a sort of crush on him. OKay, it wasn't a sort of crush. . .IT WAS A MAJOR CRUSH! I swear. And what made it great was that we actually got along sometimes. I mean, I've developed a trauma-ish thing where I don't really go near guys and make friends with them anymore because of the thing with rabbit boy and all, so I was a little surprised that Crazy and I could actually carry a conversation without me standing 50 feet from him. OKay, so there was blushing and quickened heart rates on my part, but over all, I think I didn't make too much of a fool of myself. I liked him. Big time. But, as the story typically goes for me, he liked another girl. Oddly enough, that girl was just turing into one of my good friends. Kinda like the girl rabbit boy liked. she was just getting to be one of my good friends. Love is cruel to me most times. So, i stopped feeling whatever it was for him, and I didn't want to feel the same kind of pain that I felt before.

On our sophomore year, he transferred schools. Actually, he changed residence. He went back to his hometown. I didn't hear from him again. Until now. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw him. I was thinking : NO FREAKIN' WAY! What the hell is he doing here?? After the initial shock wore off my thoughts were: WHAT THE HELL AM I WEARING?? I must look like a totally boring nobody! And then, after that bout of insecurity, my mind was: HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS! He looks good. REALLY good. He got a really hot looking tan, and he grew so tall!! Like 6 feet 1 inch tall!! Hello, hottie! Gosh, I was blushing so bad I think my face was hot enough to cook an egg on. He didn't seem to notice me at first, which I'm used to, but when he did he smiled. A smile that I'd like to think of as surprised but pleased. God, I loved that smile. And I love it still. Help! I have it bad. ..

It's Cool, At Least Now I Know What (or Who) I Want

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 10:32:48 GMT

It's been said that to conquer fear, one must know what that fear is. Does this saying hold true for something that we want? I know that for the past couple of months I've been bitching about fate and hope and all that other stuff, but that was because I didn't know what I wanted, and I don't like the feeling of not knowing. But now it's all good. I know what I want now. Or is it "who" I want? HmM. . interesting.

His name is.. . hehe, you don't really think I'd post it here, did you? Nope, I can't do that. Someone might stumble upon it and all hell could break loose. I don't really want to ruin my good-girl-who-isn't-interested-in-crushes image. Anyway, let's just call him Crazy. I met him when we were freshmen. Two years and 5 months ago. I remember thinking his hair was so bouncy. I remember thinking his eyes were cute. I remember thinking he was cute. He was funny, too. He asked if I had a Friendster account. He was really nice. But really crazy, too. Hence the nickname. Why does this post seem so familiar? Oh, right. I made something sort of like this in my freshman year. I wish I could find it, but typical of me, I lost track of it. Anyway, I can't really continue this post right now, too many people around. I'll update soon, though. Later.

This Is My LiFe... According to the Internet

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 06:37:58 GMT

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6
Mind:	5.7
Body:	6.3
Spirit:	5.8
Friends/Family:	6
Love:	2.1
Finance:	4.8
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Great, even the internet can tell how crappy my life has been going. see the LOVE part? It's damn right, dudes.

I LOVE MY BESTFRIEND SO MUCH!

Tue, 31 Oct 2006 10:14:55 GMT

She says I can live without her in my life. That I have other people to lean on. But can other people really substitute your bestfriend? Can other people really give you the same kind of comfort and security that your bestfriend can give you? Nope, they can't even come close. Farina is my BEST FRIEND. That means something. It means that she's been with me through all the crap that we go through as teenagers. She's been with me even though I was the suckiest person to be with. She was with me when I cried about my cancer. And eventhough she was still hurting from knowing about her dad's cancer, she was there for me. I may have been really mad at her before for whatever petty reasons I had, but now, I just can't imagine living highschool everyday with Farina by my side. I just can't imagine it. She's the only one I'm comfortable telling all my secrets to. I hope she knows that she's important to me, and to a whole lot of people too. She matters to me. I love her, the way only best friends can love. I heard this saying once that best friends can forgive each other anything, that they can withstand any storm, and resolve any differences. I know Farina is that person for me; my tru best friend. Far, from the bottom of my heart, I LOVE YOU. I've never said this many "I Love You's" to anyone. I mean it, Far. I hope you know that.

I'm Only Fifteen Years Old, Give Me A Break

Tue, 31 Oct 2006 01:51:08 GMT

Okay, now i'm really confused. i just don't get myself anymore. i know i'm the kind of person who thinks straight and not go gaga over this whole teenage whatever is, but now, i'm just not so sure anymore. i don't get why, at highschool, we have to be faced with so many difficult problems. i mean, the grown-ups can say that this shouldn't affect us in any way because we're still young, but the truth is it does affect us. stuff like peer pressure may not seem like a big thing to them and they might actually say that it's just a phase, but it's something we have to deal with everyday. they may say we're burdening ourselves with drama and unnecessary angst, but it's just the way we live these days. we can't exactly stop these things from happening, can we?? i don't understand why life has to be difficult. you know, sometimes it can be really easy like you can just wake ep one morning and breeze through the day. but other times we just don't get to be that lucky. not with the way things are going right now.

what's the root of all my confusion, you ask? well, let's just say i'm another idiot who likes two guys, but neither of them likes me. pretty cool huh? lame. . i really need to talk to my bestfriend right now. she can totally help me out in times like these. must be why i love her so much. thanks far.

I LoOove BunNy RabBits

Sun, 29 Oct 2006 12:20:55 GMT

I absolutely adore rabbits. As a kid, I've always liked them because they were really cute and cuddly! But there's also another entirely different reason why i love them so much. I just hope that no one stumbles on this post who knows what I'm talking about. Wouldn't that be embarassing??

Anyway, here goes. True, rabbits are naturally cute, and it's enough to make you love them. But I have a special reason why they're so important to me. Do you remember in one of my previous posts about this guy I really REALLY liked? Well a cute feature of his, aside from the obvious stuff, is his large front teeth. Honestly, it makes him look like a rabbit. In fact, his friends even tease him and call him rabbit boy or something. I, personally, think that he's adorable. My God! What in the world is happening to me?? I shouldn't be thinking stuff like that anymore! Why do we always want to hurt ourselves? I don't get myself anymore. Anyone with advice?

I LOVE MY BESTFREIEND!!!

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 12:21:03 GMT

FARINA!!! i LOVE YOU TO BITS!! thank you kaayo for this layout! i love the background gyud!!! AS IN!! MWAH10o0ooo0o0x!!!

mEeT my bOyFriEnd!!

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 04:27:03 GMT

Hey dudes! now, for those of you who checked out my post about Prince Andrea, you are SO gonna love this new one! i got more pix dude! man, is this boy FINE! and to think, he went to the Philippines!! why did i not know of this?? I'm gonna swoOn!! so anyway, the wait is over, here he is! enjoy!

he's 14-15 years old here. how do you get to be that goodLooKing at that age? it's insane!

he's 16-17 in these pics. getting hotter everyday baby!

So, you guys like my post? i know you do! comments are readiLy acCepted.

Guys Are The Biggest Form of JERKS on the Planet

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 16:11:00 GMT

I can not, in all 15 years of my life, comprehend why guys have an inborn need to be really REALLY mean to people. I just can't believe it. You know, there are times when I hold on to my anger just for the sake of a thing called "family" but sometimes the dude just gets too damn much. Who the hell does he think he is anyway?? What, just because he's the eldest he can boss me around?? NO WAY DUDE!! I never liked the way he can charm his way out of chores and burden me with them. Do you know that it hurts whenever he makes a dig about me?? Does he know that a big part of why I'm not comfortable with who I am is the way he treats me?? Does he even care what he does to me everyday?? GOD!!

I can only hope that the guy I'm going to fall in love with will have zero in common with my brother in terms of attitude towards women. This guys is totally foul, I tell you readers. Stay clear away from him!!

OH MY GAWD!!

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 08:56:22 GMT

DUDE!! it should be iMpoSsibLe to be this gOod LoOking!! c'Mon!! introdcing. . . PRINCE ANDREA CASIRAGHI of MONACO!! Hot huh?? toO bad he has a frEakin' girLfriend!! DaMn!!

Saturdays. . . What's so great about it??

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 09:12:48 GMT

I hate being alone. It feels too lonely and empty and unwanted-ish. Im sorry if im dumping these things on you guys. And the sad thing about hating being alone is that im alone most of the time when im not in school. i hate it. damn.

Days of Laughter, Days of Tears

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 12:29:37 GMT

It's incredibly amazing how things can turn out so perfectly that you wouldn't want anything to change at all. It's also equally amzing how wrong things can go. Luckily, today, things were actually good. Well except for the part where I took my Math session test, and i totally got confused with what a discriminant was. But I got through that. You know those days when you feel really good about yourself? Today was that day for me. Nothing really special happened, but I just felt good. I must sound really weird, but that's how I feel right now. Do you also know how people always seem to be looking for something? We don't really know what that thing is, but we know it's out there. That's why we keep on looking for it. Hope. I know, I know. People say they're looking for something, and I get that. But what if it was just there all along? doesn't that hurt more?

JameS LaFfeRty mAnia

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 08:13:57 GMT

JAMES LAFFERTY!!! man, is he fine!! whOo!!

One Long Week

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 11:15:43 GMT

Dudes! I made it! ! I survived! haha!! hear me roar!! i have officially passed through the infamous JOB INTERVIEW of the Public Speaking class!! Hahahaha!! I even made it with a stiff neck!! haha!! twisted! i just dropped by to gloat!! HAHAHAHA!!!

Just another saturday :)

Sat, 30 Sep 2006 00:11:15 GMT

It's a good day. pretty soon, i'll have the house all to myself, and i can watch TV until i puke. ok. you know how i get really obssesed about stuff that i'm currently into, and now, i have 3 things i'm obssesed about. #1 of course is JJ Redick. haha! this dude is way fine! #2 is this music thing i'm listening to, Mario Vasquez. his voice is swoon-worthy. and #3 is NALEY!! okay, that's nathan and haley for you. they're ONE TREE HILL's power couple and i just love them to bits!! haha! i know i sound pretty shallow and ditzy compared to my soulful bestfriend who is also a blogger here, but i'm just really happy today!!

oh, speaking of my bestfriend, i'm worried about her. if you're reading Far, please tell me what's going on in your head. i'd like to help. please?

my other bestfriend, Nichy, is i think still in the hospital. she was absent for the whole entire week, and she's under observation for Dengue fever, a deadly fever thing present here in CdO. i do hope she's okay. pray for her, guys!

so i guess that's all i can add here today. i'll keep you dudes posted on whatever big thing is going on in my life. stay true!

I Can't Believe It

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 10:48:30 GMT

When my mom was in the States, i missed her so much. But now, I'm beginning to realize something: I didn't really miss her. I missed the idea of MOM. After 5 months of talking to her on the phone with her promising that she'll get me new things, her saying she'll be helping me in school, and me believing every single thing she said, I came to find out that I don't miss her so much. All she ever did since she came home was criticize the way i eat, sit down, act, and speak. She'd be all scolding me about how sloppy, fat, and unhealthy I was. She never went out with me to go to the mall and just check out some stuff. She practically ignores me except when she finds something to criticize about me. When I ask for something it seems like it's so hard for her to do. But when brothers go like "Ma, I want new shoes", she's be nodding her head and pulling out her wallet and car keys to go to the mall with them. HELLO??!! In case she forgot, she still has a daughter to attend to! She doesn't even know what I'm going through right now! I can't believe her!! Did I suddenly become invisible when my cancer went away? Was she just being good to me that summer because she thought I was gonna die? Whatever happened to the promise:"Don't worry, baby, we're going to the States so you can have a better life"???? Whatever happened to that, Mom?? Did I cease to exist when she found out that I wasn't as good a singer/actor as my brothers were? Was I worthless in her eyes because I didn't give her superb theater performances? Why does it have to be that way?

You know, when she was in the States, I was strangely never depressed. I was always happy and cheerful. But now she's back, and all I am is a mass of unshed tears, a hurting heart, and the knowledge that I'm not good enough, even for my mom. It hurts.

continued

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 14:16:38 GMT

So, I'm getting bored with the deadly secret thing and that whole summer, as a matter of fact. Now I'm talking about this summer, the one we just had.

It sucked so bad that I had to resort to eating to cheer me up. Not to mention, a dozen or so reruns of ONE TREE HILL season 2, crappy piano lessons, and over-all stagnation. It sucked because no one was ever home for so long, except for my manang and my lola. But since they're like 40 years older than me, it didn't provide much comfort. In all honesty, this summer was THE worst summer ever. And now, we just had our school days celebration. We lost in the Barn Dance competition. Sucked. . . And during that competition, I saw someone from my past that brought back all the feelings. . .

How can someone who was a stranger become one of your closest friends then back to being a stranger again in the span of 2 years? How can someone you claim to be your first ever love be the person who can't even remember you? How can that someone hurt you so much without even knowing it? How? someone please tell me. I really need to know. I just don't understand. Was that friendship one-sided? Was it just all me, and he didn't feel anything at all? Was I the only one who felt the chemistry? Did he feel anything at all? I hate asking myself questions that I don't have answers to. It makes me feel helpless, kinda like now. I'm gonna cry now. . .

It hurt so bad to find out they were a couple. I couldn't believe the hurt and the pain. God, it hurt. How could they? I mean, okay, the girl's prettier than I am, more popular, slimmer, whiter, more fashionable and the guy was a jock with the perfect goofy/sweet/melt-me smile, the funny/caring/devil-may-care personality. They were born to find each other. But why him? Why HIM?? The first boy i cared for had to be the one I couldn't ever have. Fate sucks. Now I can't get him out of my mind. He got taller, way handsomer, and just so. . . I'm pathetic. I pray he will never come across this journal. I can't believe he didn't see me that night. UGH!! Stop it BEA!!

It's back to school tomorrow. After practically 3 weeks of no classes, it's gonna be hard to get back to school-mode. Let's try our best. I'll try to take my mind off the one guy. good luck to me. . .