Lately I've been having really strange dreams. Sure, I've had my share of childish nightmares, but these dreams are far from those. You see, I've been dreaming a lot about dying. And the person who dies is me. I can't figure it out. The dreams are way too real and way too believable. I don't like it. No, scratch that. I HATE IT! Everywhere I go I see these creepy deja vu things of scenes where I die. I don't like this at all.

People of LJ, friends, random readers, everyone! Congratulate me once again! For the nth time this year, I don't know what the hell is happening to me. Let's make a script, shall we?
You Guys: What is it this time? Doesn't she get tired of all the drama she gets herself into??
Me: I wish LIFE would get tired of this joke it's playing on me. *sigh*
YG: Okay, what is it no? C'mon, spill. 
M: Okay, here goes. 

You see, I have this little, itty-bitty, teeny-weeny, micro-mini problem. Could you guys take a peek at my user pic for a sec? Can you see it? What does it say?

YG: "I FALL IN LOVE TOO EASILY" hmM. . interesting. . 
M: Let me explain. 

next time. . 

Okay, here's the continunation.. . *ehem*

So, yah, I thought he was really cute, and I developed a sort of crush on him. OKay, it wasn't a sort of crush. . .IT WAS A MAJOR CRUSH! I swear. And what made it great was that we actually got along sometimes. I mean, I've developed a trauma-ish thing where I don't really go near guys and make friends with them anymore because of the thing with rabbit boy and all, so I was a little surprised that Crazy and I could actually carry a conversation without me standing 50 feet from him. OKay, so there was blushing and quickened heart rates on my part, but over all, I think I didn't make too much of a fool of myself. I liked him. Big time. But, as the story typically goes for me, he liked another girl. Oddly enough, that girl was just turing into one of my good friends. Kinda like the girl rabbit boy liked. she was just getting to be one of my good friends. Love is cruel to me most times. So, i stopped feeling whatever it was for him, and I didn't want to feel the same kind of pain that I felt before.

On our sophomore year, he transferred schools. Actually, he changed residence. He went back to his hometown. I didn't hear from him again. Until now. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw him. I was thinking : NO FREAKIN' WAY! What the hell is he doing here?? After the initial shock wore off my thoughts were: WHAT THE HELL AM I WEARING?? I must look like a totally boring nobody! And then, after that bout of insecurity, my mind was: HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS! He looks good. REALLY good. He got a really hot looking tan, and he grew so tall!! Like 6 feet 1 inch tall!! Hello, hottie! Gosh, I was blushing so bad I think my face was hot enough to cook an egg on. He didn't seem to notice me at first, which I'm used to, but when he did he smiled. A smile that I'd like to think of as surprised but pleased. God, I loved that smile. And I love it still. Help! I have it bad. ..

It's been said that to conquer fear, one must know what that fear is. Does this saying hold true for something that we want? I know that for the past couple of months I've been bitching about fate and hope and all that other stuff, but that was because I didn't know what I wanted, and I don't like the feeling of not knowing. But now it's all good. I know what I want now. Or is it "who" I want? HmM. .  interesting. 

His name is.. . hehe, you don't really think I'd post it here, did you? Nope, I can't do that. Someone might stumble upon it and all hell could break loose. I don't really want to ruin my good-girl-who-isn't-interested-in-crushes image. Anyway, let's just call him Crazy. I met him when we were freshmen. Two years and 5 months ago. I remember thinking his hair was so bouncy. I remember thinking his eyes were cute. I remember thinking he was cute. He was funny, too. He asked if I had a Friendster account. He was really nice. But really crazy, too. Hence the nickname. Why does this post seem so familiar? Oh, right. I made something sort of like this in my freshman year. I wish I could find it, but typical of me, I lost track of it. Anyway, I can't really continue this post right now, too many people around. I'll update soon, though. Later.

Okay, now i'm really confused. i just don't get myself anymore. i know i'm the kind of person who thinks straight and not go gaga over this whole teenage whatever is, but now, i'm just not so sure anymore. i don't get why, at highschool, we have to be faced with so many difficult problems. i mean, the grown-ups can say that this shouldn't affect us in any way because we're still young, but the truth is it does affect us. stuff like peer pressure may not seem like a big thing to them and they might actually say that it's just a phase, but it's something we have to deal with everyday. they may say we're burdening ourselves with drama and unnecessary angst, but it's just the way we live these days. we can't exactly stop these things from happening, can we?? i don't understand why life has to be difficult. you know, sometimes it can be really easy like you can just wake ep one morning and breeze through the day. but other times we just don't get to be that lucky. not with the way things are going right now. 

what's the root of all my confusion, you ask? well, let's just say i'm another idiot who likes two guys, but neither of them likes me. pretty cool huh? lame. . i really need to talk to my bestfriend right now. she can totally help me out in times like these. must be why i love her so much. thanks far.

I absolutely adore rabbits. As a kid, I've always liked them because they were really cute and cuddly! But there's also another entirely different reason why i love them so much. I just hope that no one stumbles on this post who knows what I'm talking about. Wouldn't that be embarassing??

Anyway, here goes. True, rabbits are naturally cute, and it's enough to make you love them. But I have a special reason why they're so important to me. Do you remember in one of my previous posts about this guy I really REALLY liked? Well a cute feature of his, aside from the obvious stuff, is his large front teeth. Honestly, it makes him look like a rabbit. In fact, his friends even tease him and call him rabbit boy or something. I, personally, think that he's adorable. My God! What in the world is happening to me?? I shouldn't be thinking stuff like that anymore! Why do we always want to hurt ourselves? I don't get myself anymore. Anyone with advice?

I can not, in all 15 years of my life, comprehend why guys have an inborn need to be really REALLY mean to people. I just can't believe it. You know, there are times when I hold on to my anger just for the sake of a thing called "family" but sometimes the dude just gets too damn much. Who the hell does he think he is anyway?? What, just because he's the eldest he can boss me around?? NO WAY DUDE!! I never liked the way he can charm his way out of chores and burden me with them. Do you know that it hurts whenever he makes a dig about me?? Does he know that a big part of why I'm not comfortable with who I am is the way he treats me?? Does he even care what he does to me everyday?? GOD!!

I can only hope that the guy I'm going to fall in love with will have zero in common with my brother in terms of attitude towards women. This guys is totally foul, I tell you readers. Stay clear away from him!!

I hate being alone. It feels too lonely and empty and unwanted-ish. Im sorry if im dumping these things on you guys. And the sad thing about hating being alone is that im alone most of the time when im not in school. i hate it. damn.

It's incredibly amazing how things can turn out so perfectly that you wouldn't want anything to change at all. It's also equally amzing how wrong things can go. Luckily, today, things were actually good. Well except for the part where I took my Math session test, and i totally got confused with what a discriminant was. But I got through that. You know those days when you feel really good about yourself? Today was that day for me. Nothing really special happened, but I just felt good. I must sound really weird, but that's how I feel right now. Do you also know how people always seem to be looking for something? We don't really know what that thing is, but we know it's out there. That's why we keep on looking for it. Hope. I know, I know. People say they're looking for something, and I get that. But what if it was just there all along? doesn't that hurt more?